...times they are a changin'... for now...

Well after my mini meltdown things have picked up immensely- funny how that works, but I can't quite bring myself to trust or enjoy it fully.

The upside is that I was offered (and I accepted) a position as part-time psychology faculty at the Art Institute of Atlanta and  began last Thursday.  The downside is that I climbed a bit higher and now fear the fall even more than from that other lowly ledge I was clinging to.  Does that sound pathetic?  I am not trying to be weak or whiny, just honest I think.  My first class actually went amazingly well, we talked about research methods, schools of thought- oh and I told them Humanism was like the sweet old aunt of psychotherapy that always makes you muffins (we are keeping it real simple ;)).

I remember a yoga class, or maybe it was during my training, when we talked about emotional life being like a wave- there are ups and downs.  The only given is that you will in fact continue to float up and down until, I guess, you sink to the bottom.  I eluded to my own malingering in the trough of the wave in my last post and now I may have begun the long climb out and I find myself hesitant to enjoy it.  Isn't that funny?  To a certain extent I got what I wanted and now I am afraid to play with it- lest I scratch the paint perhaps?

What is the point of getting what I want, or succeeding, or even just staying the course throughout the low times if I am not at least going to try to push myself onto my knees and surf that damn wave for a minute?

The upside: I have a wave to surf.
The downside:  I might fall.

Time to do a fluffy design post, coming next I promise.

...tenuous ties...

The world of employment has had tenuous ties to me for the past year and a half...  Seriously, I am considering turning this blog into a unemployment chronicle- I would clearly have a broad audience!

I feel like a frustrated beaver (no double entendre intended) who continues to chew maniacally on a tree trunk never to have the pleasure of watching the tree finally crack and fall.  I want to feel the success of working hard and seeing the benefits, I want to build my damn (or house, but whatever).  But instead I seem to be on a hamster wheel spinning away and going nowhere (I may have mixed too many metaphors at this point since the picture in my head is now of a beaver in a hamster wheel which would certainly not work logistically).

Sean assures me that I am being negative and all the work I am putting in will help get me where I want to go.  I suppose it is my first true test of faith, or fake it 'till you make it or something because I am still working at it; scouring the internet, networking at my temporary  (for five months now) position and applying for anything and everything in higher education and market research that I come across.  I am still working at it even though I don't believe I am getting anywhere, there are no sign posts and I cannot prove anything but here I am.  It is like my own employment dark night of the soul (I have always known Mother Teresa and I had lots in common, not really but it's something to aspire to).

Anyway it has been a while since I wrote.  On the bright side my pants button again, I just finished the 30 for 30 remix and I didn't buy one article of clothing for the last 30 days.  I have been really busy teaching yoga after my day job and on the weekends (see I am somewhat of an asset to society) which is a-ok with me, AND I am about to go home to Pittsburgh for a visit and the marriage of one of my oldest childhood friends.  In fact her wedding is at her home which I have have very fond (and rebellious) memories of and the parking is at our grade school down the street- nostalgia overload.  I may wear a cotton terry dress to really bring home the point...

...Pinterest...

Pinterest... my new online love... my inspiration kindle... love love love.

(and maybe a new time suck...)

I have a folder in the top bar of my firefox explorer that reads "inspiration,' one that reads, 'cooking' and one that reads 'shopping.'  One of the reasons I was so down when my computer crashed is that I lost years worth of things I had saved to make, model or someday buy (me and non-attachment are well acquainted thankyouverymuch). 

I let go of that and started anew with my new hard drive and have found lots of great stuff for decorating and remodeling (we finally did our master bath, coming soon to an atomic girl blog near you).  Then I was introduced to pinterest and my world shifted.  I was suddenly able to 'pin' the things I found online and loved and it was safe and outside of my own flawed hardware (it also saves a permanent link so whenever you click on the picture that you pin it takes you 'zing!' right back to the original website) and not only that it could be browsed and appreciated by others and I could in turn browse other people's pins- brilliant!

I have been enjoying it for a couple weeks now and most certainly recommend it for internet junkies out there that find lots of inspiration.  Check it out and get lost in beautiful images and tasty treats...

In case you are interested HERE is my page.

...living with intention, aparigraha...

Aparigraha, yogic non-grasping, the cousin of the deadly sin greed and the fifth Yama.  To practice Aparigraha we take only what we need rather than gathering all we can get our mitts on, or coveting what someone else has.  This is big in my life right now, BIG, and to be honest I am flailing.  I do however take heart that the thought that writing about it will in turn help me do better (that whole svadhyaya thing).

In a broad sense I think of non-grasping as being contented with what you have and who you are in life, always striving to be a better you but not someone or something else, with more and bigger and better and everything!  On the mat this can manifest in taking care and pleasure in your own practice and where you are on your own path rather than looking at you neighbor, cursing their naturally 'perfect' flexibility/ balance/ butt and straining to the point of turning purple in order to somehow compete with them.  

Off the mat aparigraha can be practiced again with contentment with our self and our lives as well as with more potentially obvious ways of practicing moderation (brahmacharya) in our consumer culture.  The lather that people are worked into each time a new and better version of something is released could be an example of this (no judgment here just for the record).

Lately for me it is coming up in a way that relates to many of the other yamas and niyamas but today just sat best in the lap of aparigraha.  I have been living with two injuries of late, one I acquired from kettle bells and I originally thought was a strained groin muscle but could potentially be my psoas having a spastic hissy-fit, the other is back spasms.

The groin thing has been going on for months, the back just went into spasms about two weeks ago and is actually healing quite well thanks to the clinic near my house, muscle relaxers, pain killers and Georgia Power for supporting my heating pad for two weeks straight.  The funny thing is that when they both happened I allowed myself a break to heal, abouuuuut three days in each case after which I began to maniacally stretch and 'work-it' in an attempt to rehabilitate myself.  The fact that I am in pain when I lift my left leg probably speaks to how well that is working.  I couldn't let go (read can't let go, won't let go....  want to let go?)  I want so badly to feel normal and get better that I am pushing and pushing and in turn perhaps making things worse.  It amazes me how often this happens in life, continuing down a hurtful path for days, months, years, decades before finally looking up from my feet and saying "whoa, how did I get here?  Time for a detour."

It does feel like grasping, grasping at straws...I will try to stop before I grasp at the straw that breaks the camels back... too much mixing of sayings here maybe?  Probably.

At any rate, here's to settling down, letting myself and my muscles heal and not trying to be something I am not right now- in perfect physical shape with a left leg that will outwardly rotate.

Aparigraha-

a-p-a-r-i-g-r-a-h-a

Aparigraha.

...blog livin'...

I recently stumbled on a new-to-me blog (well google reader suggested it to me, my google reader knows me well and apparently can even bring me to tears, although Sean would argue that is no big feat as I cry at commercials and CBS Sunday Morning and my class as they move through sun salutations and you get the idea...) and I am just so touched I thought I would share.  I have been reading it for a few days now and have almost covered the entire thing (think daily posts dating back to about 2006).


It is an inspirational blog for sure, especially for those of us who at times feel like the fact that our partner won't put the toilet seat down or that we don't have the right shoes.  It took me out of myself as I watched a woman not unlike myself flourish (she sorta reminded me of a retro inspired Martha Stewart, which I can really get into) and then in a totally unexpected abrupt and tragic turn of events end up in a coma in a hospital bed for four (ish) months.  That was more than two years ago and she has used all the physical, mental and spiritual strength she could muster (and I imagine that she had built up over her lifetime, like a 401K plan that she had to take out a little early and put to good use) to emerge again as a woman, wife, mother and community member.


For me, reading her blog was something like an exercise in mindful eating (you know the raisin exercise where you eventually end up wondering "how have I never noticed how amazing a raisin is before now?").  I found myself walking lighter on my feet and noticing how effortlessly I could move myself up a hill and how truly AMAZING that is.  That I have this vessel that allows me to explore and interact in this world of ours and how in reality it doesn't matter what the vessel looks like but rather that we care for it and notice every once in a while how fortunate we are to have it for however long we are gifted.


This is all amazing, but we should also note that she has amazing taste, phenomenal shoes, a brightly and boldly colored home and lots of tasty vegetarian recipes to be found here at CuisineNie.  If she and I hung out we wouldn't talk politics I don't think, but we would have a blast shopping, cooking, joking, walking... yeah all those other 'ing words.


By the way, 'she' is Stephanie Nielson and she can be found blogging at NieNie Dialogues. 

...my pants are too tight...

Is that an over-share? Sorry, but they are. It has been sneaking up on me the past two months but the frozen yogurt place down the street is so delicious, and it was so fun to eat out with all our house guests, and how could I go to the gym or out to exercise when our friends were at our home????

Poooooor me!

I loved all the visits (and all the fro-yo) but now all I am left with are pants that cut off my circulation. Well... it isn't quite that bad yet but buttoning is a challenge and I feel uncomfortable. For the past two weeks I have been saying to myself, "self, we are going to get this under control. no more sugar! no more fat!! no more things that taste good!!! NO MORE!!!!"

Clearly this isn't working.

I don't appreciate being told no.

I don't appreciate having off limits tasty treats.

I may have hit my bottom this morning. Although, sometimes I think I hit bottom and low and behold it was just a short pause on an even longer drop, so we'll see.

At this moment though I am feeling energized about feeding myself healthy AND delicious eats. I have a short term goal, which is usually all I need, to get back on long term track.

Wish me luck.

Or, if you are an enabler, send me some elastic pants.

mmm.... elastic pants sound nice right now.

On the bright side, I should be posting some tasty recipes in the near future!

...101 Faces, by Eric Vorwald...

We had another visitor this weekend in our home.  The much anticipated arrival of Eric of Stacking the Cheddar brought with it good food, my first experience getting booted in a parking lot, camp fire, tiger woods golf, beef jerky (ick), mountain biking, Sean and Eric laughing AT me as I rolled around on the ground with intense leg cramps, the Twilight Criterium in Athens and then upon his departure the realization of the practical joke he left behind, as we just keep on losing.  Holy run-on sentence batman!

Eric also had a recent release of this little gem of a video, check it out.  It looks like the Wilderness 101 had fantastic weather this past year!

It was good to see you Eric, you had better get your locks changed now!